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Umor 6

Într-una din duminici, pe când slujeam ca păstor în Tinăud, Jud. Bihor, după slujba de dimineață, l-am întâlnit pe tizul meu Sergiu, un băiețel foarte cuminte și foarte curajos și i-am făcut un compliment. I-am spus: Sergiu sunt foarte bucuros că te-am văzut astăzi foarte cuminte la Adunare, și nu ai făcut gălăgie. La care el mi-a răspuns: Da’ tu ai vorbit cam mult!

Din aceeași serie, Accidental Talmudist ne încântă cu o altă perlă.

After Shabbat services, Rabbi Perlman is at the door saying goodbye when Miriam and her young son approach.

“Rabbi, I’m sorry my David was so noisy during your sermon.”

“Quite all right, Miriam. I was impressed how quickly you were able to shush him. How did you do it?”

“Oh, that was easy. I just told him, ‘If you’re not quiet Rabbi Perlman will lose his place and have to start all over again!'”

Good Shabbos, my pals!

With thanks to David Minkoff

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Image: The Sleeping Congregation by William Hogarth

 

Sursa: Accidental Talmudist

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Apă Sfințită – Apă Miraculoasă (Umor 5)

Asta o avem și noi dar parca sună mai bine dacă privim spre alții! 😀

Avner goes to see his rabbi.

“How can I help you, Avner?”

“I’m worried about my marriage because of Hedi’s temper. I’ll be minding my own business, and out of nowhere she loses it. Makes me insane, and I have no idea how to fix it.”

“Hmph. Avner, I have a solution. I have a bit of miracle water here. Next time Hedi snaps, just put some in your mouth and swish it around. Do not swallow! Just swish until she’s done, then excuse yourself, and spit it out in the bathroom.”

“Sounds kooky, Rabbi, but I’ll try anything.”


A week later, Avner returns.

“Rabbi, it worked! She started shouting, I started swishing, and like a miracle she calmed down in front of my eyes. When I came out of the bathroom, it was like we were college sweethearts again!”

“Wonderful!”

“What’s in the water, Rabbi? Is it a special blessing? Did you bring it from Jerusalem? Is it medicated?”

“It’s just tap water, Avner. What makes it work is keeping your mouth shut.”

Sursa: Accidental Talmudist

Umor 4

Accidental Talmudist lovește din nou! 🙂 Iar eu nu mă pot abține să nu întreb: în română cum sună asta?

Meyer Davidovich was late for an important meeting, and couldn’t find parking. Two times, three times, four times he circled the block.

“Please, Lord, please! Find me a parking spot and I’ll give up gambling, and drinking, and lying! I’ll keep Shabbos! I’ll even go kosher!”

Immediately, a car pulls out in front of Meyer, and he zips into the open spot.

“Never mind, Lord! I already found one.”

Umor 3

Poate din cauza asta sunt tot mai puțini oameni pe la biserică. Întrebarea rămâne însă: Care serviciu este cel mai periculos, cel de Vineri seara sau cel de Duminica seara?

One Shabbat morning, the rabbi noticed little Nathan staring at the memorial plaques in the lobby of the synagogue. They were covered with names, and American flags stood on both sides.

The seven-year old boy had been staring at the plaques for some time, so the rabbi walked up and said quietly, “Shabbat shalom, Nathan.”

“Shabbat shalom, Rabbi.”

The rabbi lingered a little longer.

“Rabbi?”


“Yes, son?”

“What is this?”

“It’s a memorial, Nathan, to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

“Oh.”

Silently, they stood together, staring at the plaques.

Then little Nathan whispered, “Was it the Friday night or the Shabbat morning service?”

 

Sursa: https://www.facebook.com/accidentaltalmudist

Umor 2

Asta e valabilă și pentru pastori! Dar râdeți cu grijă să nu treziți pe cei de lângă voi!

A rabbi dies and finds himself waiting in line to enter Heaven. The guy ahead of him has a shaved head, gold chains, leather jacket, and shades.
The angel Gabriel asks the bald guy, “Name and occupation?”
“Rafi Eskenazy, taxi driver.”
Gabriel checks his list and grins, “Shalom aleichem! Silk robe, gold staff. Welcome to Heaven!”
Next comes the rabbi.
“Name and occupation?”
The rabbi draws himself up with great dignity and says, “Avraham Baruch Cohen, Senior Rabbi of Beth Jacob Synagogue for 37 years.”
Gabriel checks his list and nods, “Yup. Cotton robe, wooden staff. Keep it moving please.”
“Hold it,” says Rabbi Cohen, “the man before me was a taxi driver. Why does he get special attention?”
“Up here, it’s all about results,” says Gabriel. “When you sermonized, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”

Sursa: https://www.facebook.com/accidentaltalmudist

Umor 01

After David passes his driver’s test, he goes to his father’s office at the synagogue.

“Dad, the time has come for me to have a car.”

“David, is that any way to honor your father?”

“Oh sorry. Dad, can I please have a car?”

“David, I’m the town Rabbi. They way to honor me is to study Torah, visit the sick, and get a haircut.”

A month later David returns. (more…)